By Keith Barry
By now, you’ve seen every iteration of the 2010 Chevrolet Camaro, from concept to test mule to the official preproduction car. You’ve dreamed of owning a Camaro from the moment you your sister’s mulleted prom date pick her up in a primered ’83 with T-tops and Cragars but missed your chance when GM retooled their Arlington plant to pump out more Tahoes and Suburbans.
Now, in a cruel twist of fate, the Camaro has returned to the market and you still aren’t getting one. Here’s a list of the top five excuses why you, dear reader, won’t put down a deposit at your local Chevy dealer and patiently wait until the Spring of 2009.
1.) Your local Chevy dealer closed. First, GM’s comically sinister-sounding “Project 2000” attempted to consolidate the single-brand neighborhood GM dealers into regional superstores. Francis G. Merriweather Pontiac that’s been on Main Street since 1929 gave way to First Prime #1 Auto Group Chevrolet Buick Pontiac GMC, just off Exit 15. Now, slowing sales make it harder for the remaining domestic dealers to hang on, and you’re complaining that you have to drive all the way to the next town to buy a new car. Sure, it’ll take a little longer for you to get to the dealer to pick up your new Camaro, but the flipside of that excuse is that you have a longer ride home to enjoy.
2.) You’re looking for something with better fuel economy. Well, what badass American muscle car has better fuel economy than 26 highway from a V6? Plus, right now, you’re probably driving a Silverado with 22s and custom exhaust that gets half the mileage the Camaro would. You can look just as badass and save some money/stop global warming/cut down reliance on foreign oil/help whichever gasoline-related issue is here by 2010. Of course, any car you drive is going to get 12 mpg, because you’re going to (justifiably) floor it at every stoplight.
3.) You’re not old enough to drive. Judging by the comments on many car-related forums, many people who are most excited about the release of any new car have a few years to go before they reach the pedals. Kids, here’s what you need to do: Go with Mom and Dad to the aforementioned First Prime #1 Auto Group Chevrolet Buick Pontiac GMC, just off Exit 15. Get Dad out of the Certified Pre-Owned Pontiac Montana he went there to buy and tell him you want to sit with him in the Camaro. While Dad admires the optional center console gauge cluster, have Mom admire Dad and how he looks just like he did in high school with his ’71 Z28 that had Cherry Bombs and that bitchin' 8-track. When they buy the car, make sure you get to flog it on weekends. You don’t have to pay for that new transmission, so who cares?
4.) Your police department is facing budget cuts. Remember those unmarked Camaros that State Troopers used to scare the living snot out of speeders? You’d be happily cruising fifteen miles an hour over the limit along an open stretch of highway when, out of nowhere, blue lights would be flashing from the dash of the blur that just pulled you over. It was an awesome sight, as long as it didn’t happen to you. Even if the chief says there isn’t enough room in the budget, try to see if your local Chevy dealer (see #1) can at least donate a D.A.R.E. car.
5.) It’s not made in America. If you want an American-built car, get a Honda or Toyota. If you want to save the domestic auto industry, buy a GM or a Ford or a Chrysler. In fact, many of the quintessentially “American” cars are more North American – even the mighty Grand Marquis is built in Ontario. Plus, the Oshawa, ON plant is rated as one of the highest-quality in North America, so your new Chevy won’t rust or break down like your ’81 Citation. GM saves money by not having to provide health insurance for its Canadian employees, and squeezes more badly-needed profits out of each and every Camaro. You win, GM wins.
If you can find any better excuses for not buying a 2010 Camaro, just let us know. We’ll straighten you out.
Photo by General Motors.