Nov 5, 2008

5 Cars We Never Want to see Again

"Slammer" Scion tC
This is the car Mad Max would have driven had the Road Warrior films been created by the Japanese instead of the Aussies.

The paint looks like somebody painted this Scion at home in their garage, going through a case of white Krylon or Rust-Oleum spray paint in the process; ditto the car's stripped down blue-colored interior. The little dash of dark paint on the roof looks like a patch of thick neck hair on the back of somebody's nape. And we just plain don't get the half glass/half sheetmetal windshield, the latter element featuring several holes that we can only assume are large enough to accommodate Max's sawed-off shotgun pistol as he takes shots at Lord Humongous or the Toecutter.

Disclosure: While we found this car to be a total eyesore, we were amazed by the sheer number of folks — of all ages — who stopped to photograph, gawk or wax poetic on how much they liked the "Slammer." Shows what we know.

Velociraptor Pickup Truck
Admit it: If you suddenly won a large Powerball payout (or Aunt Gladys passed and left you a large fortune), you might march right down to your local car dealership, purchase a full-size pickup and immediately fit it with a big lift kit (okay, at least some of you might consider this). But would you have it done up to the degree of the Velociraptor? Not likely. This bad boy puts the "monster" in monster truck — literally: A pair of fangs/horns, covered in red "blood" paint, are at eye level on the front bumper. Not to be outdone, a heavily fanged monster with an open mouth juts out of the rear diff underneath the bed. But perhaps most interesting of all is this Velociraptor's custom paint, capturing some dinosaurs burning in hell: Does this mural symbolically tell the sorrowful tale of how the largest animals ever to roam the earth would eventually become the modern world's predominant source of carbon-based fuel? Or is this the official tour vehicle for the band Gwar? Perhaps we're reading too much into the tealeaves.

Concept 3 — Mach III Tribute Car
Like parachute pants and the Macarena, the Concept 3 — a recreation of Ford's 1992 Mustang Mach III Concept car — hasn't aged well. An untouched base Ford Mustang of this vintage was a terrific-looking, capable and remarkably affordable ride. But the Italianesque fender curves, slatted brake lights and other swoopy accoutrements of the 1980s just don't have a place on a good old American pony car, in our humble opinion. But more shocking than the Concept 3's looks is this: Another remake of a 1992 Mustang Mach III sold at auction in 2002 for $491,500!

Black and Blue 4-door
While the reptilian theme of the Velociraptor gets displayed on its skin, our next entry, the Black and Blue 4-Door, reveals its colored scales on its seating surfaces and other interior trim. The exterior, also in black and blue hues, is superbly painted, if a tad bit on the busy side. Giant open-spoke wheels (with blue background inserts) shod with super low-profile tires round out the package. In case you missed it — we almost did — the machine hiding underneath all of this glitz and glam is...a BMW 7 Series, one of the finest high-end luxury sports sedans in the world. Who said money and fine taste go hand in hand? Not us.

Barris Kustom Toyota "Zimbra" Prius Hybrid

Starting out with the highly fuel- and space-efficient (who'd have thought a 5-door hatchback would ever become a best seller in the U.S.?) Toyota Prius, an individual paid Barris Kustom — the company that built the ultra-cool Batmobile from the 1960's Batman television series — a handsome some to have his hybrid "enhanced."

Large blinged-out 19-in. wheels take the place of the stock low-rolling-resistance tires; custom flared fenders make room for bigger low-profile rubber that further reduce this Toyota's aerodynamic efficiency. Hideous two-tone pearl custom paint, with yellow-tinted windows and a yellow- and rust-colored interior, make for a package that only the twisted (or colorblind) can even begin to find palatable.